A Lesson In How Not To Haggle
The Monty Python film, 'The Life of Brian' includes a scene where Brian wants to buy a false beard, but get's caught up in the haggling process.
The text below is the script of the haggling scene and shows some of the problems of real life haggling for beginners. If you aren't used to haggling, have a read!
If nothing else, you will learn that haggling isn't undertaken when you're in a hurry!
(Brian runs up to Harry the beard seller's stall and hurriedly grabs an
artificial beard.)
Brian:How much? Quick!
Harry:What?
Brian:It's for the wife.
Harry:Oh. Twenty shekels.
Brian:Right.
Harry:What?
Brian:(putting down 20 shekels) There you are.
Harry:Wait a moment.
Brian:What?
Harry:We're supposed to haggle.
Brian:No, no, I've got to ...
Harry:What do you mean, no?
Brian:I haven't time, I've got to get ...
Harry:Give it back then.
Brian:No, no, I paid you.
Harry:Burt!
(Burt appears.He is very big.)
Burt:Yeah?
Harry:This bloke won't haggle.
Burt:(looking around) Where are the guards?
Brian:Oh, all right ... I mean do we have to ...
Harry:Now I want twenty for that ...
Brian:I gave you twenty.
Harry:Now are you telling me that's not worth twenty shekels?
Brian:No.
Harry:Feel the quality, that's none of yer goat.
Brian:Oh ...I'll give you nineteen then.
Harry:No, no. Do it properly.
Brian:What?
Harry:Haggle properly. This isn't worth nineteen.
Brian:You just said it was worth twenty.
Harry:Burt!!
Brian:I'll give you ten.
Harry:That's more like it.
(outraged) Ten!? Are you trying to insult me?Me? With a poor dying
grandmother...Ten!?!
Brian:Eleven.
Harry:Now you're getting it .Eleven!?! Did I hear you right? Eleven? This
cost me twelve. You want to ruin me?
Brian:Seventeen.
Harry:Seventeen!
Brian:Eighteen?
Harry:No, no, no. You go to fourteen now.
Brian:Fourteen.
Harry:Fourteen, are you joking?
Brian:That's what you told me to say.
(Harry registers total despair.)
Tell me what to say. Please.
Harry:Offer me fourteen.
Brian:I'll give you fourteen.
Harry:(to onlookers) He's offering me fourteen for this!
Brian:Fifteen.
Harry:Seventeen. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me
dead.
Brian:Sixteen.
Harry:Done. (He grasps Brian's hand and shakes it.)Nice to do business
with you. Tell you what, I'll throw in this as well. (He gives
Brian a gourd.)